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The Quest for Home

“I want to go home”, “Please take me home”, “I need to get home”.  How many times have we heard our loved one suffering from Alzheimer’s say these words as they long for the security, safety, love and comfort of home.  Take a second and contemplate the significance those words have for us.  As we journey through life we take that journey knowing there is a place that we can go back to for guidance if we lose our way or the road gets a little bumpy.  If you were fortunate enough to have grown up with parents who provided you an abundance of love and affection then you grew up knowing that there would always be someone waiting for you with their loving arms outstretched ready to give you that reassuring hug you so desperately needed.  At some point in time we began to realize that those two devoted people who always brought you comfort in a time of need will physically cease to exist taking with them a big piece of “your home”.

When I listen to a person with dementia expressing the desire to go home it serves as a reminder about how we all have in our hearts a yearning for what makes us whole.  A person with Alzheimer’s is on a desperate quest to find the tranquility they associate with being home.  The home they envision exists in the very distant past as was the case with my mother.  It’s their childhood home that they fixate on and speak of when they say they want to go home.

The chaotic life they are living in their minds is a constant churning of memories fragilely fading away and it’s as if they are desperately trying to hang on.  My dad always has this saying when we ask him how he’s doing……“oh I’m hanging in there, sometimes by a chain and sometimes by a thread.”  I’d imagine mom feels she is hanging on to her memories by a mere thread.  If only she could get home maybe she could make sense of the discord in her mind and find that comfort associated with being home.

Mom went through a stage in the progression of the disease where she was packing up and getting ready to leave on a daily basis.  She had packed as many of her clothes as she could fit in the trunk and back seat of the car along with framed pictures, photo albums and the like.  We would unpack many times until we just didn’t bother any longer.   When we weren’t around she’d load the car back up all over again and then she’d demand for dad to take her home.

What you try to do with someone who has Alzheimer’s is to divert their thoughts, unless you’re their 85-year-old husband that doesn’t quite grasp the concept.  Dad found himself having to drive her around because she wouldn’t take no for an answer.  Mom always had a stubborn nature that fits perfectly with her zodiac sign, the taurus.  That stubborn streak also runs in her Recio family genes.  Alzheimer’s tends to amplify this stubbornness.  Many times they were driving around looking for the home that was many miles away in Corpus, but dad would drive her through town and the country side hoping she would give up.  Sometimes he would take her to her Aunt’s house that was on the same corner lot that her grandparent’s house used to sit on.  They’d visit for a while until she felt less anxious.  Some of these visits were well after appropriate hours to be visiting.  Thankfully my aunt was someone who stayed up late and always welcomed them.  She would even offer for them to stay the night if they wanted.

Over the most recent years I have learned so much more about the illness of Alzheimer’s and the techniques to use when dealing with someone suffering from it.  I also now know that the theory is much more plausible than the reality.

After the daily hustle and bustle of a long day we are fortunate at times to witness the beauty of an amazing sunset and the passing of other day.  God flips the switch and the light slowly dims into darkness, but for someone with Alzheimer’s a different switch turns on.  Unfortunately, when the daylight begins to fade the confusion, agitation, anxiety, fear and sometimes anger become more prevalent.  These were the moments when the desire to return home became more commonplace.  There is a term called “sun-downers” that is used to describe this time of prevailing confusion.  This is the time that you have to employ what is called “a therapeutic lie”………..”We can’t go just now because the weather is going to get bad”……”I called your parents and told them that you were staying another night”…….”We are going to stay another night and take you home first thing in the morning”.  There were times unfortunately that this technique didn’t work and no matter how hard you tried you couldn’t make any head way.  Mom would take off walking to her parents on many occasions.  She wouldn’t go too far at first, but then she started getting braver or more determined.  When dad tended to her alone he had gotten to a point of just avoiding the confrontation and let her go.  I imagine after this happening every day and her returning after a trip around the neighborhood he believed she’d return like she always did.  The wandering got progressively worst and more difficult to impede.  Realizing the danger she posed to herself we made the eventual decision to put her in a home that could provide 24 hour care.

It’s easy to comprehend that mom’s need to get home has to do with finding the serenity after a chaotic rollercoaster ride of a day. We’ve all had those dreams that cause us extreme anxiety and we wake up with this colossal fear until we realize with an abundance of relief that it was just a mere dream.  A person with Alzheimer’s doesn’t get to wake up and escape because they are living a reality that they wished was a dream.

I leave you with the following to ponder.  I was reading another blog and these paragraphs stood out to me.  I would credit the writer but I could not find the name.

“Alzheimer’s disease is unlike any other disease. It takes a beautiful mind, and with much leisureliness, transforms it into a new one, with no relation to the previous owner. It encapsulates a family into a nightmare and doesn’t relent. There is no escaping, no matter how much money or prestige you may have. There is no break. There is no hope. There is nothing but confusion, heartache, guilt, loneliness, frustration and if you are lucky, glimpses of days gone by.

This is a problem for our loved ones, for our neighbors, our society, and our world. We need to find ways to build life rafts, throw out life-lines and help everyone struggling to stay afloat. Then we need to find a cure so we no longer need all of those support systems.

Otherwise, we will all end up drowning. Together, yet separately.”

 

Let us pray for all those who are on a quest to find the “home” that gives them comfort in the face of so much turmoil and adversity.