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A Stoic Man

Every marriage has its’ challenges, but with every passing year the bonds of love grow stronger and a lifetime later you look back with bewilderment of all the of memories you’ve shared with your life’s partner.  Well at least that is what you hope for if you are fortunate enough to recall all those wonderful fruitful years later in life in your less formidable years.

In a marriage a partnership develops and roles are clearly defined in the early years of a marriage.  My parents had what you would call a “traditional” marriage.  They grew up in an era where the husband provided for the family and his wife took care of all the hard stuff.  My mom managed every aspect of the household.  She was the disciplinarian, the bookkeeper, the cook, the housekeeper, the teacher, etc..  My dad brought home the bacon, and he was rewarded with good meals prepared uniquely for him by the woman, who after many years of being persistent, finally tamed the wild streak in him.

Today my dad for the first time in more than fifty-five years is living on his own.  His partnership with the woman of his dreams has taken a challenging turn down a dark lonesome road.  An awful disease has robbed him of what was supposed to be a tranquil ride into the sunset for the both of them rather than a rollercoaster ride of emotions played out every hour of the day.  His spouse of all these bountiful years is suffering from the dreadful disease of Alzheimer’s.

In a few months my dad will be 86 years old.  He isn’t the man of 20 years ago or even 5 years ago, but he is still in good physical health, he however, is battling his own issues with dementia, but not at the extent that my mother is.   Although he is not at his best at times, mentally he still exercises good judgment and does well living on his own.  He vows every year at his birthday that he will beat his dad’s record of 101 years.

Dad possesses many of the same traits as his father.  He is a quietly faithful man, he was a faithful provider, he has a gentle generous spirit, he has a strong work ethic and he is a loyal, loving and caring husband and father.  His dad, Grandpa Faustino, in his later years took care of my ailing grandmother when she suffered from dementia and ironically my dad has had to do the same.   Add stoic to the list of adjectives used to describe the both of  them.  As I said earlier, roles are clearly defined early on in a marriage, but then life happens resulting in the evolution of new roles.

My mother’s  illness has affected my dad more than any of my words could ever describe.  When the pain is so deeply embedded in your soul there are no words to describe it.  My siblings and I have seen his struggle as he has borne the brunt of the burden dealing with my mother’s struggle to understand the chaos of her mind.  I know his heart is heavy and he longs for the good times of the many shared yesterday’s that they had together.

This week is exactly two years ago that we made the decision to move our parents closer to us as we realized they were having a much more difficult time living on their own.  Uprooting them from the place they called home for much of their life was one of the first heartbreaking moments of this journey.  Dad was dealing with my mom for the most part on his own.  I can only imagine what it was like dealing with the constant anxiety that mom created because of the confusion that existed in her mind.  Till this day he does not fully comprehend what is wrong with her, but he still is her biggest protector.

Most of us can only imagine living with someone who has Alzheimer’s.  The torment they face trying to retain some semblance of who they are, is most likely similar to the torment their spouse faces trying to understand what is going on with the person they shared a life time with.  Nobody can be prepared for the life changes Alzheimer’s brings or the happiness it robs from you.  

Envision for a moment living with someone who transitions between almost every human emotion throughout every hour of the day.  A person suffering with Alzheimer’s lives with immense anxiety and as a primary caregiver you must provide constant reassurances every passing hour to try to bring them comfort.  They will keep you up at all hours of the night because their mind is in such turmoil that sleep is the furthest thing from it.  Some of those inflicted with this disease will pack every day for a trip home that they’ll never take because they are already home, yet they will beg you over and over again to take them home.  Imagine the chaos you create when you tell them that their parents are no longer living.   As the primary caregiver your focus now revolves around the tumultuous life of your loving spouse, and your life as well as theirs is forever changed.

My dad has 10 years on my mom and he is in good physical health but has his own challenges dealing with the frailty of his own mind.   Eventually mom had him so confused that he started to believe many of the conjured up stories she repeated many times a day, everyday.  We will never know the full extent of what dad had to endure these last several years prior to mom being admitted to a nursing home.  We won’t know because he is very private with his thoughts and he finds it difficult to comprehend what has been happening to his spouse.

My dad is a very patient person, but if you want to know the toll Alzheimer’s can take on someone he would be the ultimate test.  There were times where he did toss-up his hands and say he was done with her, although they were few.  I think of how much he had to endure to make him feel this way about his one true love.   There were times he’d call and say your mother “has gone ape shit again”.  An hour or so later he’d totally forget her episode and go back to defending her all over again.  I remember times she would get aggressive with me, both physically and verbally.  It would cause him such anxiety.  I’d look over at him only to see him desperately praying.
No telling what we did not witness when it was just the two of them alone.  My father has always been a man guided by his strong faith in the Lord and there is no greater display of his faith than in those awful moments.

For the first few weeks when mom was admitted to the nursing home dad would take off to go see her, until it became much more difficult for him to find the nursing home.  Now he relies on his children to take him to visit.  Fortunately, we have received word that a new facility that is within walking distance of his place will be accepting her soon and he will be able to go as often as he likes.

I have never witnessed as much emotion from my father as I have in the last many months.  Many times he gets emotional because he sees me with tears in my eyes when I say goodbye to my mom.  Sometimes the emotions become too much for him when mom pleads with him not to leave her alone.  He reassures her that she is never alone because God is with her and he always says………..“It’s not goodbye, it’s so long”.  As we leave,  we both walk out of the building with tears in our eyes without saying a word.  What he doesn’t know is that when I drop him back at his place the tears come again because of the emotion I feel leaving him while his own heart aches.  I can only imagine his profound sadness and cogitate the agony of his despair.  Through all the recent turmoil he has experienced he remains the stoic man he has always been!