15

You Know Not Who I Am

As a family we find ourselves dealing with the sheer reality of an illness that had initially touched the outer perimeters of our world, but today has fully penetrated the core foundation of it.  Together we are bound by the great love we share for one another and we unite to protect the very fragile pieces of that foundation that as of now have remained delicately intact.

In May of this year, we made the heart-wrenching and difficult decision to seek alternative care for our mother as her illness, Alzheimer’s, progressed to a point where she was a danger to herself, and quite possibly to others.  When you turn the primary care of your loved one over to someone else, your hope is that they have a compassionate and understanding heart for the person who is the foundation of your family.  You must prepare yourself mentally for all that comes with a decision that was made with an abundance of reluctance.  There is no one in this world who would care for their loving mother more than the children in which she bore, loved and protected.  You make this decision with the hope and desire that the caregivers in the facilities who care for those inflicted with Alzheimer’s are properly trained to handle the very fragile minds and bodies of their residents.  There is not a book in the world or a college course that can teach an individual about compassion, because compassion is not a class taught in your college curriculum.  Compassion and genuine love for others is something that loving parents teach their children from a very young age and it grows in their hearts with each passing year.  True unadulterated compassion is the most important trait for anyone who chooses a career caring for the general well being of others.  It is our duty and our honor to treat those whose time is limited with a respect and dignity worthy of the life in which they have lived.

I write this essay on behalf of my mother and all those inflicted with some form of dementia that has robbed them of the capability of recalling past memories or making new ones, and as a result have become dependent on others for survival.  My intention is to represent those who struggle daily as they desperately strive to remember bits and pieces of who they once were.  I have witnessed my mother on many somber occasions torment herself attempting, with an agonizing desperation, to remember who she is.  A profound sadness overwhelms me knowing that a little piece of her once bright and wonderful mind is slowly decaying with each passing click of the clock.

You Know Not Who I Am…………..

Don’t judge me for who I am today for I have lived a bountiful life and have accomplished many feats that you were not around to have witnessed.  You know not who I am, how could you, I am too lost in my chaotic thoughts to be able to share with you the tough loving mother my kids looked to to show them the way.  Most days, I know not who I am, therefore you know not who I am.

Today I may not seem whole to you but it does not diminish the fact that I still deserve the chance to be treated with dignity and respect because I’m still living and breathing even while there is a daily hurricane going on in my head that the drugs try to slow to a point that causes me the least anxiety.

I want you to know that I battle every day to make it back to who I once was and I fight desperately to find myself, unfortunately the deck is stacked against me.  It’s a constant determined battle to find who I once was. Imagine the powerful ocean waves crashing in on you and carrying you back to shore each time you try to make that journey to the calm of the ocean you once knew.  If only I could get pass the nuisances of these waves that push me back to a reality of what my life is today.  I ask that you have empathy for me as I am on the last leg of my journey.

I bet you didn’t know I was a tough little girl that defended myself against girls and boys alike when they called me four eyes.  As you witness my aggressiveness have an understanding that it is innate in all of us to defend ourselves against perceived threats.  Understand I can not decipher sometimes between someone being helpful and someone being hurtful.  We are conditioned from a very early age to be cautious and leery of strangers.  In my world everyone is basically a stranger until you prove worthy of my trust, but remember you will have to earn that trust all over again the next hour, the next day and every day thereafter.

I was also a dancing queen, these big legs were put to good use as I danced the mambo, huapangos, and folklorico as a young girl.  Forgive me if I sound like a braggart, but I was quite the dancer.  Later in life these legs caught the attention of the man I never fail to ask you about daily, yes I’m talking about my love, Tino.  At some point in the near future I might not remember his name but for now I will continue to annoy you repeating it throughout each day.  I was a proud Premont Cowboy cheerleader in high school, and my Tino now jokingly tells our kids……… “people thought I was a football junkie, but what they didn’t know was that I was at the games to watch your mother cheer”.  Today they’d call that “stalking” and since he was ten years older they could quite possibly call that something else too.  Haha!  It didn’t take me too long before I realized he was and still is a football junkie!  

If you had a soul mate that you’ve spent a life time with then you would think twice about how annoying I can be asking about him as often as I do.  I have spent a good fifty five plus years living with this man and it’s only natural I feel a certain yearning for him at times and I long for the warm contentment that seeing his face brings to me.

I don’t expect you to treat me as a queen, but just for your information I was not only Tino’s Queen I was also the 1958 Homecoming Queen in my hometown of Premont, Texas.  An accolade bestowed upon me by the student body, that might give you some insight into my personality and likability.

If you knew me you’d know that the single greatest accomplishment of my life was being a mother to my six wonderful loving children. I was blessed to have given birth to three boys and three girls, who along with their father make my life complete, even if my life is so fragmented today.

I sympathize with the job you do caring for me because I know it’s no small task, but just like raising six children you learn the value of patience.

Rest assured I understand the importance of schedules, I was a stickler with my kids about chores, daily routines, curfews, etc., but understand that I have no control of this hurricane wreaking havoc in my mind therefore I have no concept of time.

I sleep when my mind allows or when the drugs take effect.  I’m sorry I can’t keep to a schedule for your convenience.
 I went through most of my life making it my goal to never be a burden on anyone and I taught my kids the same. Unfortunately, I have reached a point in my journey where the inevitable has caught up with me.

I have devoted my life to my family and to serving God and I pray that He gives you a tenderness of heart when you come to work each day.  The families of those of us here have entrusted you with our care and I’m sure everyday they worry and pray for our well being. As a teacher of catechism classes at my church I made it my duty to spread God’s love to those young minds in our congregation. As a Eucharistic Minister I shared the body and blood of Christ with many people.  Today, I vicariously continue to share the love I have in my heart for the Lord through my children who you have seen come to visit me these last several months. You have witnessed the glow of my face and the sound of joyful relief in my voice when they visit me. My hope is that through the display of love we have for one another that you too will experience the love of a christian family and all that it encompasses.

My journey these days is a difficult one and I require a tremendous amount of help to get through the day. I am sincerely grateful for your help and I hope that you have taken the time in recent months to better understand me and my illness.  I don’t know what tomorrow holds for me.  My illness continues to overtake every semblance of who I am.  I pray that when my journey ends that you can say with certainty that you knew who I was and that you were fortunate to have gotten a glimpse of my life and you are better for it.

 

My mother is one of over 5 million Americans suffering from Alzheimer’s disease today.  It is my aspiration that by sharing our family’s story that people will recognize Alzheimer’s for the illness that it is. I ask you to pray with us that the stigma associated with it will be no more.  Pray with us that the staffs at all care facilities will have empathy for those suffering.  Pray with us that they are well-educated in regards to caring for Alzheimer’s patients.   Pray with us that they have compassion in their hearts.  Pray with us that they will look beyond the illness and realize that not too long ago there existed an individual that was vibrant, strong and capable before the chaos invaded their mind.

The love I have for you mom grows with each passing day!

I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
As long as I’m living
my Mommy you’ll be.